One of the things I have spent a lot of time reading lately is dating site profiles. These profiles are your resume to meet the person of your dreams or to pick up a quick booty call for next weekend whatever tickles your fancy.
"I am lokin 4 sumone 2 go out wif and have sum fun" - There are a few things that make me immediately click to the next profile the big one is spelling. It makes me wonder if you have some form of learning disorder. If not then if you are too lazy to spell correctly how are we going to be able to communicate? sms speak is for preteens who spend too much time on MySpace and their hiptop mobiles.
"I am looking for someone who I can treat like a princess" - Great! I want my castle somewhere in England with a great big balcony where I can royally wave to my subjects/minions whilst wearing the massive crown and diamand encrusted jewellery that automatically has been bestowed on me for taking on the position as your Princess. I also expect you to bow and kiss my feet whenever I enter the room and will never work another day in my life unless it is to open the next Olympics. Oh and you better look like William, dude.
"I love fishing, V8s, football, camping and 4x4. I am looking for a lady who is very feminine and is into the same things as me" Yes, I can be completely ladylike and feminine whilst gutting fish or drinking beer and barracking for your football team. I say your football team because quite frankly I don't care enough to pick my own team and since from your profile it appears that the only thing that matters to you is that I like what you like and not the other way around, I am pretty sure the fact that I have no team and trust that yours is the right one appeals to you greatly and makes me look like the perfect woman. Oh and it is extremely hard to be ladylike when I have to dig my own hole to go to the toilet because where you chose to go camping has no facilities.
"I am looking for a Scorpio who is a size 10 with red hair aged 25 - 27. Must be between 5'5 to 5'8 and work in media, event management or public relations" - This profile description exists - I shit you not! Seriously, if your needs are this specific you would be better standing outside every media, pr and event management agency until you see a red headed size 10 between 5'5 to 5'8 and ask her if she is a scorpio and between the ages of 25 - 27. Or better still, wake the fuck up from whatever dream you are having and be realistic. Oh and don't contact me again.
There are lots of single phrases that I have learnt to interpret which I thought I would share:
"Looking for a fun girl for fun times" = booty call.
"Must look after herself" = gym junkie or someone willing to throw up after every meal to live up to my idealistic expectations.
"Willing to listen" = I speak a lot of crap and need someone to whinge about my life to.
"Looking for a giving girl" = I want a blow job just don't expect me to reciprocate.
"Looking for someone to complete me" = I don't know how many times I can say how much I hate this phrase. If you do not feel like you are a complete person by yourself then you should be looking at ways to fix that instead of laying that expectation on another person. You need a psychiatrist not a girlfriend.
Needless to say, people who use these phrases on their dating resume do not get the job.
"I am lokin 4 sumone 2 go out wif and have sum fun" - There are a few things that make me immediately click to the next profile the big one is spelling. It makes me wonder if you have some form of learning disorder. If not then if you are too lazy to spell correctly how are we going to be able to communicate? sms speak is for preteens who spend too much time on MySpace and their hiptop mobiles.
"I am looking for someone who I can treat like a princess" - Great! I want my castle somewhere in England with a great big balcony where I can royally wave to my subjects/minions whilst wearing the massive crown and diamand encrusted jewellery that automatically has been bestowed on me for taking on the position as your Princess. I also expect you to bow and kiss my feet whenever I enter the room and will never work another day in my life unless it is to open the next Olympics. Oh and you better look like William, dude.
"I love fishing, V8s, football, camping and 4x4. I am looking for a lady who is very feminine and is into the same things as me" Yes, I can be completely ladylike and feminine whilst gutting fish or drinking beer and barracking for your football team. I say your football team because quite frankly I don't care enough to pick my own team and since from your profile it appears that the only thing that matters to you is that I like what you like and not the other way around, I am pretty sure the fact that I have no team and trust that yours is the right one appeals to you greatly and makes me look like the perfect woman. Oh and it is extremely hard to be ladylike when I have to dig my own hole to go to the toilet because where you chose to go camping has no facilities.
"I am looking for a Scorpio who is a size 10 with red hair aged 25 - 27. Must be between 5'5 to 5'8 and work in media, event management or public relations" - This profile description exists - I shit you not! Seriously, if your needs are this specific you would be better standing outside every media, pr and event management agency until you see a red headed size 10 between 5'5 to 5'8 and ask her if she is a scorpio and between the ages of 25 - 27. Or better still, wake the fuck up from whatever dream you are having and be realistic. Oh and don't contact me again.
There are lots of single phrases that I have learnt to interpret which I thought I would share:
"Looking for a fun girl for fun times" = booty call.
"Must look after herself" = gym junkie or someone willing to throw up after every meal to live up to my idealistic expectations.
"Willing to listen" = I speak a lot of crap and need someone to whinge about my life to.
"Looking for a giving girl" = I want a blow job just don't expect me to reciprocate.
"Looking for someone to complete me" = I don't know how many times I can say how much I hate this phrase. If you do not feel like you are a complete person by yourself then you should be looking at ways to fix that instead of laying that expectation on another person. You need a psychiatrist not a girlfriend.
Needless to say, people who use these phrases on their dating resume do not get the job.
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